If there’s a book you really want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it. – Toni Morrison

After I posted my last post. This quote appeared. It seems fitting. Perhaps the fates are with me. I just have to find my voice again.

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Stream of conciousness for 3/5/13

Death has stunted my creativity. So much death in 25 short years. It creeps in slowly and unexpectedly pounces. He has strangled my muse and enjoys it. I wonder where she has gone my Arabella Winter, my once constant companion. It’s the winter that makes her thrive you see: the snow that purifies and makes all beautiful. Under all this ice she’s hidden away.

I find lines at the corners of my eyes. A haggard face and yet so young. Where have all my stories gone. All of the tales I held within my heart seem to have fled with the death of her. So much death, so much darkness that we must endure. I do not carry the answers. I carry only a broken heart since you were taken. Where have all my stories gone? They died with you.

I’m trying to write something every day. My mind is rusty, she’s been hiding in books since grandma passed away. Maybe some day I’ll be able to write again, to really write those stories that were kept safe within me. Maybe they’ll come back. Maybe Arabella Winter will return.

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It’s quiet there.
Vacant, the curtains drawn.
All the voices aching to be heard,
have become silent.
Silent as the dead.
Dead like you.
Like me.
The colors aren’t there.
Like that time I mixed all my paint.
I wanted to make a rainbow.
All I got was brown.


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2012 A New Year to Miss You

I’ve been restless all day, agitated beyond reason. It was a good day too. I just wasn’t in it. I thought thank goodness 2011 is over. It was a horrible year. Then I remembered it’s a year without her. There will be so many more years and she won’t be here. I miss her so much and I still want to pick up the phone to call her. To tell her.. everything that’s happened since she was taken. I’m trying to be strong, to keep things together but it’s so hard. She died September 24th, my grandmother, my best friend, my hero.

I made Thanksgiving dinner without her this year. I was so exhausted by the end of the day. I gained a whole new respect for what she had done for us year after year. The worst part was most of my family stayed home, even though it was their idea to have it here. I brought together family and friends with food. The glue that holds my family together but it wasn’t the same without her. Christmas didn’t feel the same either. I wanted to tell her I was able to make no-bake cookies this time. It didn’t turn into granola. I’m so thankful for all she has taught me.

Mom has told me so many times how people were so proud of me being so strong. I learned it from the best. The quiet strength that she always carried, I can fake it. I’m so broken inside. I miss her so much. Every day I feel the sharp pain of her absence. I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I just can’t believe it is real. It has been over 3 months and I still can’t believe she is gone.

I think she knew how much I needed her. She made Luke and Barb promise to take care of me. I don’t know if it will be enough. I’m trying to keep it together but it is just so fucking hard. I’d give up everything I own just to have her back. When she was sick and they said her kidneys were failing. I was ready to jump on a table and let them take mine. Anything just to keep her here. I know it is selfish beyond measure that I wanted her to stay. I know it was best for us to let go but it still hurts.

I try to remember how she was before she got sick. I cling to those memories to keep the others away. When I had to go to the hospital the other day for Barb I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I just keep remembering her as she took her last breaths. I held her hand and told it was ok to let go. She could stop fighting. She didn’t have to stay for me anymore. I’d be okay.

I’m not okay and time isn’t making it better. The numbness has worn off and all I feel is grief.

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The Song that Haunts my Morning

I have all this stuff that I need to deal with. It’s all rattling around in my head like a bunch of marbles crashing and chipping off glass shards.  So much has happened in the months since my last post and now this song is banging around inside.


What Sarah Said.. -Death Cab for Cutie.

And it came to me then that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I’ve already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself

‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes ‘round and everyone lift their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

So who’s gonna watch you die? So whos gonna watch you die



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Where I am Now

I turned in my two week notice and my last day of work was on 12/24/10. I’d spent two and a half years at a job I hated. I loved working with my clients who were adults with mental and physical disabilities. It was the incompetence that was rampant in management and the lack of respect for their employees that finally drove me out.

In my last 9 months there I had been working the suicide shift. I’d go in at 10pm Friday and get off work at 3pm on Sunday. Unless my relief was late and then it was anyone’s guess for when I’d finally get to go home. I was allowed to sleep from 10pm until 6am when I had to get up and give medication. Unless of course one of the clients decided they didn’t want to sleep and stayed up until 3 or 4am. Then I just had to deal.

It was one of the most stressful jobs I’ve ever had. I was so stressed out, I continually became ill. I had to take off work for severe bronchitis/upper respiratory infection with a doctors note. Then I had to deal with my manager calling me in after I’d dropped off my sick leave request to fill out Family Medical Leave Act paperwork just because she was angry and thought I wasn’t actually sick. I crawled back into the office and filled out the paperwork only to find out it was completely unnecessary and that I wasn’t even eligible for it.

It escalated from there. I wasn’t able to take vacation even though I had it. I worked Black Friday and the weekend following. Then I was scheduled to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years Eve, New Years Day. Family is very important to me and I wasn’t going to be allowed to see them. I decided to suck it up and work all those holidays and let everyone else see their families. I just wanted to be off the second week of January so I could go to my husband’s cousins baby shower. They are an amazing couple and great friends as well as family. They had been trying for years to conceive and were finally pregnant with a little girl. To say it was a joyous occasion would be an understatement. I put in the request at the beginning of December. And was told the day that I put in my two weeks notice I wouldn’t be able to take it off even though I had vacation.

I was tired of being bullied, tramped, on and over all being treated like shit by a company that I had spent two and a half years of my life bleeding for. I filled out my resignation letter and left on my managers desk that day.

I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I got to spend the holidays with my family. I came back from my holiday and started scouring the classifieds and looking for a new job.

I spent a little over 7 months jobless. I filled out countless applications and only had a few interviews. At the public library I applied at least 6 different times for various positions. I finally started applying for anything and everything.

I had  job interview that I didn’t even really care about or want. It was a customer service position with a local textbook seller. It was still a job so I still went. I arrived and completed some writing tests, and then used a computer to navigate their site. Then miracles of miracles I got the job.

It’s temporary for now. I’ve done two weeks of training and am now on my second week of being solo. Next week starts the rush for textbook purchases and we are going to be crazy busy. For a job I wasn’t excited about, I really enjoy it. I’ve met some very interesting people and made some new friends. I’m actually getting out of the house even if it is just for work.

That’s where I am now, and there’s so much still before me. Life is an adventure and for now I’m loving the ride.

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The Vampire Gardners

Our Tomaoes and Jalapenos

 Luke and I transplanted our tomatoes because they were getting way to big for their hanging pot. Their roots had completly taken over. I hope to get some tomatoes from them soon. The plant in the red planter is my jalapeno. I can’t wait till we have fresh produce to make salsa. I’ll just have to get some nice green onions and a lime and I’ll have some amazing salsa :). Luke also got me a Begonia which is in a hanging pot on our front porch I think it looks pretty spiffy.

Pretty Begonia

 Strangely enough we keep doing our gardening in the middle of the night which actually works out better for me. A lot of the medicine that I take makes me very sensitive to the sun and I can have an allergic reaction and break out into a rash which is weird enough as it is with all my other allergies. Thankfully it seems like I may be able to keep these plants alive. I haven’t exactly had the best tract record with my plants. I killed an air plant for gods sakes all you have to do is occassionally spritz those with water. If this all works out maybe next year Luke and I will try to plant some more veggies and things that we can nom. I’d love to have a huge garden like my great grandma Spearman but we just don’t eat that much produce and right now have no where to put it. All our plants are in planters right now because the people paid to mow our lawn are idiots. They mowed over my minature rose bush that my mother-in-law gave me. It really pissed me off. I saw a great recipe keeper at walmart I think when I have the time I’m going to start transcribing all the family recipes I have onto recipe cards so they will be better organized. I however have started cooking like my Grandma LeaAna and just throw things in until it looks and tastes good. It’s a family tradition I suppose 🙂



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