I need an outlet; a reason to write. I’m starting to not sleep at night again. It’s not about sleeping all day, I just feel more alive at night. I took a drive to drop some books off at the library and pick up my meds. It was the first time I’d driven my own car in I don’t know how many days. I blasted Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and drove with the windows down. The moon was beautiful and all I wanted to do was be out under it soaking up all that reflected sunlight. I miss being in a place where it’s safe for me to be out by myself.
I’m getting so restless. I’m stuck at home all day. Have been pretty much since December. I hardly ever get to use my own car. I don’t have my own money. I hate being dependent. I’ve applied for so many damn jobs and only had around 3 actual interviews. At the library alone here I’ve applied at least 20 times since I’ve lived in Columbia.
I’m so worried about my husband. I just don’t know what to do. The doctors are completly useless which makes me feel even more useless. I don’t want to be a widow. We got married because we are head over heels in love. If I lost him I don’t know what I’d do.
On a totally different not our living room smells like styrofoam and I have no idea why. It reminds me of the deck styrofoam Grandpa Steve used for target practice with his bow. I really miss him. It’s father day on Sunday and he was the only dad I really had for the longest time. About a year ago I found out for sure who my dad is and we are trying to build that relationship. It isn’t easy by any means, but it’s worth working for.