I’ve been restless all day, agitated beyond reason. It was a good day too. I just wasn’t in it. I thought thank goodness 2011 is over. It was a horrible year. Then I remembered it’s a year without her. There will be so many more years and she won’t be here. I miss her so much and I still want to pick up the phone to call her. To tell her.. everything that’s happened since she was taken. I’m trying to be strong, to keep things together but it’s so hard. She died September 24th, my grandmother, my best friend, my hero.
I made Thanksgiving dinner without her this year. I was so exhausted by the end of the day. I gained a whole new respect for what she had done for us year after year. The worst part was most of my family stayed home, even though it was their idea to have it here. I brought together family and friends with food. The glue that holds my family together but it wasn’t the same without her. Christmas didn’t feel the same either. I wanted to tell her I was able to make no-bake cookies this time. It didn’t turn into granola. I’m so thankful for all she has taught me.
Mom has told me so many times how people were so proud of me being so strong. I learned it from the best. The quiet strength that she always carried, I can fake it. I’m so broken inside. I miss her so much. Every day I feel the sharp pain of her absence. I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I just can’t believe it is real. It has been over 3 months and I still can’t believe she is gone.
I think she knew how much I needed her. She made Luke and Barb promise to take care of me. I don’t know if it will be enough. I’m trying to keep it together but it is just so fucking hard. I’d give up everything I own just to have her back. When she was sick and they said her kidneys were failing. I was ready to jump on a table and let them take mine. Anything just to keep her here. I know it is selfish beyond measure that I wanted her to stay. I know it was best for us to let go but it still hurts.
I try to remember how she was before she got sick. I cling to those memories to keep the others away. When I had to go to the hospital the other day for Barb I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I just keep remembering her as she took her last breaths. I held her hand and told it was ok to let go. She could stop fighting. She didn’t have to stay for me anymore. I’d be okay.
I’m not okay and time isn’t making it better. The numbness has worn off and all I feel is grief.