I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Chainsaw!

I’ve been really worried lately. Luke may lose his job if the organization he works for doesn’t get their three-year accreditation like usual. They need an escape goat and since Luke is a supervisor now and the upper boss really dislikes him, we may be in trouble. I still haven’t found a job. It’s been six months since I quit the evil organization. I found out I’m not even rehirable there now after the investigation since I said that my manager wasn’t doing her job. That’s not the reason they gave of course but it’s really suspicious since before the investigation I was fine. I guess I would have been better lying my socks off but that’s just not how gram raised me. I’m worried that all the applications I’ve been turning in have been sunk because I’m getting a bad reference from the evil org.

I’ve applied for the town library at least 20 times in the past four years and I’ve only ever been interviewed once and that was on my 2nd application or so. I received a notification in my e-mail that I was passed up again for another position there. A few weeks ago I applied for Elis library at Mizzou, I hope to at least receive an interview. In an interview I know for sure I fail when I don’t get the job where as without the interview I’m not even given a chance to fail.

Today I applied for front desk at a hotel, a pharmacy tech, and a personal banker position. I hope to hear back from something but it just isn’t looking good. If he loses his job I don’t know what we will do. It’s hard enough surviving when we are paying for supplies and food for four instead of three. If he loses his job only one of us in our house will be trying to support all of us and it will not be good.

On a happier note. We are now the proud growers of 3 Tomatoes, 1 Jalapeno, and 1 Begonia plant. They look so pretty in their new little pots. When the tomatoes and jalapeno plant start producing I’ll be half way to fresh salsa! The Begonia is just for looks of course.

I also to my anger out on the ugly and half dead tree-bush that was in front of our duplex. The psychotic neighbor that told our landlord we’d put up Halloween decorations and thought we were Satan worshipers was the brilliant mind behind its hideous growth. I suppose she thought she’d shape it like some fancy Japanese little tree which it is not, instead of a shrub. She trimmed all the bottom of it and left the top branched out. It looked bloody ridiculous. The top half died over the winter but it still sprouted lovely shrub shaped growth from its roots this spring.

Unfortunately we had this lovely shrub with this huge hideous dead tree looking thing growing out of it. We don’t really have any garden tools and the trunk was as big around as paper towel tube at least. I thought we’d probably have to take a chainsaw to it. Tonight after we re-potted our plants in spacious pots I looked at that tree-bush with annoyance.

We were making our front porch look so much better and it just stood there sneering. So I went after it with my bare hands and snapped off little twig after twig to stick until I got down to the good-sized branches. I looked at it some more and said what the hell if I hurt myself and pulled, cracked, and snapped with all I had. Until all I had was a pretty little shrub again. I showed Luke and said it was the only time for me to garden. He shook his head and called me a “vampire gardener.” I guess if the shoe fits. :[

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Father’s Day

For the first time in I don’t know how many years I actually got to spend Father’s Day with my dad. It’s weird in a way since I’ve had two step-fathers throughout my life and a grandfather who practically raised me, I’ve never really celebrated father’s day. For as long as I can remember I’ve known that I have a different dad than the four siblings I grew up with. It use to really bother me as a child, especially when one of my baby brothers yelled I wasn’t their real sister in anger.

I remember crying for a very long time over that. I know now he didn’t mean it and I’m as close to all four of them as I can be after being kicked out and moving into my grandparents when I was 15.  I missed a lot not living with them but I couldn’t survive in that situation any longer. I feel bad for leaving them behind, even after all this time has passed. I feel so old, now. I’ve watched every single one of them graduate from high school and look forward to seeing what else they do with their lives. I love them more than anything and would do anything for them, including my new sister and brother that I’ve found.

Found isn’t really the right word. It makes it sound like they were lost, when in reality since kindergarten my sister from my dad and I have been inseparable. I grew up having sleep overs, crushes, fights, and girl scouts together. Along with many other rights of passage, we have been together. We didn’t know we were sisters, but we always wished we would be.

Last summer I decided I had to know who my father was. I was going through a crisis of identity that I still haven’t quite figured out, but I’ve come to accept it. How could I know who I was if I didn’t know where I came from. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I told myself that I needed to know for health reasons. It was okay if he didn’t want anything to do with me. It was a matter of superficial need, nothing more. We sent in a paternity test a lovely thing you can buy at your local Walgreens. Yes, I’m serious they are right there on the shelves. I didn’t even have to talk to a pharmacist. Three mouth swabs; one for child, mother, and supposed father. That’s the thing about fathers they don’t necessarily know who you are or that you exist.  You came out of the mother and they can keep that secret if they wish.

I was never a secret, but I was deprived of the relationship with my father. My mother was too young and was blinded by love for another so I had to be his. Of course I wasn’t. Last summer my father was graced with a 22-year-old daughter. I should say another 22-year-old seeing as how my sister is only about 3 months younger than I am. It’s been strange for both of us I believe. We have 22 years of life to catch up on, to build a relationship that should have been built a long time ago.

This Father’s Day I spent the day with my father. We swam in their pool and visited. I got to see my sister and brother who I haven’t seen in quite a while. My step-mom made us a great dinner. I sugared up my nephew and niece with unfrozen wedding cake. To top it off I got to play with Binx my dad’s new kitten. I think perhaps I get my love of cats from him.

It’s weird my sister and I are so much a like. We were both very mean little girls though neither of us ever got in much trouble.  My dad and I have the same crazy eyebrows according to my grams. My step mom and I are into a lot of the same things such as polka dots which she always dressed my sister in but she hated them. And my older brother got to aggravate me as a child when my sister and I had sleepovers. When we are all together I think of how things could have been if I had spent equal time with them growing up as I had with my mother’s side of the family. I feel robbed in a lot of ways of that connection.

I was deprived of that part of my life for 22 years I won’t let it happen any longer. It will no longer define who I am, even if I’m not sure who that is yet.

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My Little Corner of the World

I need an outlet; a reason to write. I’m starting to not sleep at night again. It’s not about sleeping all day, I just feel more alive at night. I took a drive to drop some books off at the library and pick up my meds. It was the first time I’d driven my own car in I don’t know how many days. I blasted Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and drove with the windows down. The moon was beautiful and all I wanted to do was be out under it soaking up all that reflected sunlight. I miss being in a place where it’s safe for me to be out by myself.

I’m getting so restless. I’m stuck at home all day. Have been pretty much since December. I hardly ever get to use my own car. I don’t have my own money. I hate being dependent. I’ve applied for so many damn jobs and only had around 3 actual interviews. At the library alone here I’ve applied at least 20 times since I’ve lived in Columbia.

I’m so worried about my husband. I just don’t know what to do. The doctors are completly useless which makes me feel even more useless. I don’t want to be a widow. We got married because we are head over heels in love. If I lost him I don’t know what I’d do.

On a totally different not our living room smells like styrofoam and I have no idea why. It reminds me of the deck styrofoam Grandpa Steve used for target practice with his bow. I really miss him. It’s father day on Sunday and he was the only dad I really had for the longest time.  About a year ago I found out for sure who my dad is and we are trying to build that relationship. It isn’t easy by any means, but it’s worth working for.

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